July 21, 2009

burried myself

Now in the coffin
where it’s only me
no one to even mourn
I mourn with remorse
am I so worthless?
Or am I denied of my worth?
Am I alive
or as good as dead?
Should I live
or hide in the coffin?
To hide myself
should I grieve or go numb?
Dig inside to find myself
or keep digging to find more dirt?
Light a candle and see light
or burn myself
till my ashes disappear?


I fell so worthless
my veins shrink with shame
I’ll never be the same
now it’s given me a new name
but as I sit here in the coffin
I realize, I’d better lie down there
so that no one can find me anywhere

pray, my love

Pray, please
somebody save my love
he is dying in my brutal love
I love you too much
You loved me a little less
I held your arms...
Didn’t know
they'd leave scars...
I kissed u...
not knowing they'll burn you
I clenched to you
when you'd begin to go
I tore my heart to show
my love inside
oh, I realize now, it was only mine
not ours
pray, please
my love is dying
stop! the gruesome me is unleashing
to tear his heart to see if there was ever any love
pray , my lord
my love, talk to me
I haven’t killed u yet
wont you?
Look at me
am I so unworthy?
Pray, my love, save me
I’ll save you
pray my love...
Love me
I still love you...

July 02, 2009

inject my pain

shivering with fear
ignorant of my state
crumbling with shame that’s too great
those holes in my veins
show me the hollowness
that i have carved
for 3 months
i let the elixir feed on me
consume a part of me
it was ecstasy
now, it is but fantasy
i was locked behind the cell of delusion
now i know, it is not even as gracious as an illusion
i tried to forget myself
surrendering myself
to my almighty in the bottle
locking myself behind the dark steel bars
to serve a sentence of numbness
the needle of syringe
gave me new blood
that ruled my nerves
i was soaked in the blood
of this painless pain
mourning for the disgrace i have become
my stomach groped
can i get one more doze?

laconic indolence

this emptiness is beyond my understanding
its too empty to mean a thing
solemnly pitying my stance
that embodies the crucified heart
tears fail to drown the misery
they just make it more unexplainable
satanic curses fill my ears
yet, they too cry tears
for there is no meaning for this fear
given up the only life
giving into living without life
how can time fly
its frozen
indolence denudes it
inside there is a larva of blood
wanting to flow
to wash this futility
ripe this cesspool of ugly graffiti

June 23, 2009

CLOSING NOTE

read this when i am only a jar of ashes
i just wish i was there to see
how much you cried
when you saw that i was gone
but if i did
i wouldn't have been in bliss then
without answering your question
WHY?
i don’t have an answer
i don’t have answers
for all the questions life was asking me
i didn’t see life
i wanted to see it dead
i took the knife
but i put it down
it was yours
i can't even die
the thought was killing me
i took the gun
i can't even afford a bullet
'what a pity!' mocked my life
starvation was killing me
but it didn’t help me die
why?
Cry
i tied a rope around my neck
it was hurting
what if i was alive to see myself die?
so i took the poison
it refused to go down my throat
into my begging stomach
i dissolved it with the potion of your love and hate
it gulped my life with ease
do cry for me once, truly, please

May 22, 2009

everybody-hate me

i see an ugly face in the mirror

that hates to see me

i hate you, i hate me

do hate me

slap the cheek

oh, i hate it, it’s a sin

spit on the face ,

help, is there no grace

i hate to be me

i wish no one could see me

no one should be me

baptize me

oh no, i am a pagan

i have no Christ

i have no church

now m in a search

for a mask

for no one should see

this ugly skin

am such a filthy din

no face, only grimace

cant face my face

cant face my fate

how long will i wait

to meet my fate

burn my face

with an acid and glare

spread the ashes on holy grave

and let them see my ugly gaze

change my name

i can’t be me

i can’t show no mercy

if its only on me

take me

come here, look through me
do u see a heart?
do u see a soul?
or a decaying body?
m alive, can you hear me?
m divine, do u know me?
talk to me, you'll know all
m your gift, take me
if u don't like me, throw me
don't throw me
feed me, I've starved enough
touch me, I've been numb all this while
lets walk.. m no more lame
m your gift, take me
give me a name, I've never had one..
hurt me, cuz I've never cried
smile at me, I'll smile back, I've never smiled
come here, i am alive
can you hear me??

April 30, 2009

my prayer's fate

Where does the prayer that i send go?
to the air so thin
or the lord i can’t see

is it heard or dismissed as unworthy?
or is my prayer scared to speak its purpose?
the eyes look out for a company
to find if there is a purpose for it to blink
my sanity rethinks its futility
my insanity relishes its penance with gaiety

my prayer flies with wings of hope
the beam of the envious sun cuts them
to see the prayer fall on earth
that already has many a dead
the rain knows that pain
for the sun celebrates its defeat too
with the rainbow
the rain knows that pain
it sheds tears on the dead prayer
performs its last rites

April 04, 2009

light and broken

I am light, I am broken
I am happy, but I am breaking
Corroding easily
Meekly
I am numb, comfortably
I am dragging myself to a nowhere
I can’t see that there is life everywhere
It fails to show up in front of me
I am in ease
Because the pain in me
Vents by oozing blood when it dissects me
Bit by bit
Unknowingly
It’s given me anesthesia
Before it ate my heart away
And I am numb,
I don’t even realize
I am hallucinated
Hallucination of hope
That will betray me
My heart is raped
But it’s light
Still beating, bleeding
For some reason unknown

nightblindness

I sleep to forget my fears
My fears that keep me awake for nights
I lie to find myself among the dead
I close my eyes to go blind
But then my eyes see the hell unleash itself
I grip my hands to pray
But the prayer corrodes in this air of uncertainty
There is a word stuck in my throat
That fears to come out
What if it came out only to be swallowed?
What if it came out only to find itself alone in the darkness?
The word is ‘help’
That is so helpless
I lie prostrate to dig someone who can give company
I am scared to look at either side
I wrap myself in a blanket
Like a shroud
Yet I am barely protected
I burry myself inside it
Yet I feel so naked
I shut my eyes to go bind
But I can see the grim reaper approaching
I breathe in
But I am scared to breathe out
What if my assassin finds me?
The next day I learnt
I am my own vicarious assassin

March 24, 2009

sleeping in me

i stood there to say goodbye
not knowing you were going forever
even your smile promised me
that it would see me again
but your shadow told me that you were going away, forever
you asked me to breathe instead
leaving you in me
you chose to leave this world
to find a better place for us to live together
but you didn’t tell me where you were going
i don’t know where you are
neither do i know where i am
all i know of you is the you in me
that is lying asleep
sleep of the night that shall never cease
you were lying blue
i stood there next to you
i tried to breathe
even when i was smothered
hoping to bring you to life
i held your hand
hoping the warmth warms you
but you lied cold there
i thought you were alive
i still could see you
still could feel you
i wept
hoping it moves you
you lied cold and blue
i wish i could join my heart to yours
and pump blood
for you are in me
i lied beside you
and spoke to you
of all those happy days
just to wake you
but you lied motionless, dead
i could hear my echo
saying i love you
it faded away
that’s when i realized
you had died next to me

sometime you feel so low
like never before
as if fallen from zenith
doesn’t take a moment
to lose everything
all that was earned
all that was yours
it breaks, shatters you
burns the 'you' in you
shows you the bitter true picture
brings you to reality
shows the meaning lurking behind the curtains
just to take over the stage and dance
the most cruel feast in front of you
you are the only one in the audience
and your story being enacted
but you are not a part of it
its not in your hands
the play doesn’t end
it won’t show you light
but show nuances, all that was missed
from being caged to crucified
from being loved and hated by the same
from being me to only me
all is dramatized

life is a stage, we are no actors
just mere spectators

February 28, 2009

falling apart

m falling apart,
my brain being butchered
my heart being stamped,
soul being looked down at
what’s left in me?
sorrows and tears
who wants it anyways
yet people think m rich they come to borrow some
how do i look?

blissful??
m empty
bereaved of my sanity
orphaned at soul
m standing still
cuz i don’t know where to go
i dare not keep a step forward
what lies there, m scared
people crowding around push me
to a somewhere i don’t want to be
even if they are humane,
i don’t believe it
cuz they showed their stone hard heart
a while back
come on!
now u come to condole
for a death u caused

February 18, 2009

drowning in your lies

m drowning in your sea of lies
that u said was a lake of love
u fed me with the potion of your bitter lies
n i grew listening to your lullaby of lies
that put me to deep sleep
wake i never could
from that sleep until
the lies crushed me
u saw yourself in the mirror - so full of lies
but when the mirror didn’t lie
u said it did
u spoke the lies so truthfully
i didn’t believe in the truth
i thought u were the truth
u coated those lies with syrup of deceptive sweetness
that made me comatose
m drowning i your sea of lies
that u said was the pond of trust
trust i did, but on you
the mirror cracked
ashamed to see you in it
but u said u broke it
for it lied to you
i built my mountain of trust on you
kept you at its tip
i didn’t understand the truth- the lies
couldn’t even ask ' why me??'
but hate myself for being the fooled
i kept you at the mountains tip
but u pushed me down to the sea
m drowning in your sea of lies
and drinking your spirited lies
it nourished my bond with you
but you let me drown in your sea of lies
that does not even have a drop of truth

February 12, 2009

poisonous elixir

i drink d elixir
which is poison
its sweet,
its quenching
the thirst of my fears
its a fuel for my heart to pump..
pump the blood full of sin
to liven the artery..
in which my fate runs
it flows astringent on the wounds
that burns like acid
it moistens the corpse to spread decay
it sprinkles life
life to dormant worms of gloom
it blooms flowers
flowers of hemp
and ripe them into wine of hemlock
i drink the saccharine elixir
which is a cure for my sickness
i drink the omened elixir
which kills my disease with me
i drank the thirsty elixir
that quenched its thirst for my death

January 31, 2009

tenacious illusion

I love you
That’s all I wanted to say
But now I have more than words to give you
I have been waiting for you so long
That you will come someday
Where have you been
Didn’t you ever see me
Oh! you never knew me
But I had all these time
Been thinking of you
Fancied you
Dreamt of you n me
Happy together forever
How nice it used to feel you know
Even now
The memories tingle
Sweet n kindling
But u never knew it
Nor do u know how deep you have reached…within me
I always thought of your lill smile.. then I was under a spell…
Lost n rapt
Doped in your memories
I never could come out of it
Nor did I ever want to….
I knew you were never mine…
I still do..
But still I couldn’t stop myself
Some foolish hope in me never dies
It says magics happen
Though it shall never
But I get convinced
I wanted to
So I didn’t resist

Its overtaken me
I have lost myself deep in
Its insane
I can never understand
Its an illusion
That’s fooling me

But I don’t mind being one for you
I have walked the lonely road with you
A thousand times
U never spoke
Cuz u were never there
I was a paranoid
I jabbered and blabbed all the way…
To empty air
.. but I can’t blame you
Come on! You don’t even know me
I have felt you next to me on my bed
I have curled in your arms so many times
You have whispered in my ears so many times’ I love you’

But u never heard me
When I touched you
You never felt me
M I mad
I must be
I asked you
You never said anything

You just left me
Leaving me alone in..
My world

(didn’t even say good bye)