CLOSING NOTE

read this when i am only a jar of ashes
i just wish i was there to see
how much you cried
when you saw that i was gone
but if i did
i wouldn't have been in bliss then
without answering your question
WHY?
i don’t have an answer
i don’t have answers
for all the questions life was asking me
i didn’t see life
i wanted to see it dead
i took the knife
but i put it down
it was yours
i can't even die
the thought was killing me
i took the gun
i can't even afford a bullet
'what a pity!' mocked my life
starvation was killing me
but it didn’t help me die
why?
Cry
i tied a rope around my neck
it was hurting
what if i was alive to see myself die?
so i took the poison
it refused to go down my throat
into my begging stomach
i dissolved it with the potion of your love and hate
it gulped my life with ease
do cry for me once, truly, please

everybody-hate me

i see an ugly face in the mirror

that hates to see me

i hate you, i hate me

do hate me

slap the cheek

oh, i hate it, it’s a sin

spit on the face ,

help, is there no grace

i hate to be me

i wish no one could see me

no one should be me

baptize me

oh no, i am a pagan

i have no Christ

i have no church

now m in a search

for a mask

for no one should see

this ugly skin

am such a filthy din

no face, only grimace

cant face my face

cant face my fate

how long will i wait

to meet my fate

burn my face

with an acid and glare

spread the ashes on holy grave

and let them see my ugly gaze

change my name

i can’t be me

i can’t show no mercy

if its only on me

take me

come here, look through me

do u see a heart?

do u see a soul?

or a decaying body?

m alive, can you hear me?

m divine, do u know me?

talk to me, you'll know all

m your gift, take me

if u don't like me, throw me

don't throw me

feed me, I've starved enough

touch me, I've been numb all this while

lets walk.. m no more lame

m your gift, take me

give me a name, I've never had one..

hurt me, cuz I've never cried

smile at me, I'll smile back, I've never smiled

come here, i am alive

can you hear me??

my prayer's fate

Where does the prayer that i send go?
to the air so thin
or the lord i can’t see

is it heard or dismissed as unworthy?
or is my prayer scared to speak its purpose?
the eyes look out for a company
to find if there is a purpose for it to blink
my sanity rethinks its futility
my insanity relishes its penance with gaiety

my prayer flies with wings of hope
the beam of the envious sun cuts them
to see the prayer fall on earth
that already has many a dead
the rain knows that pain
for the sun celebrates its defeat too
with the rainbow
the rain knows that pain
it sheds tears on the dead prayer
performs its last rites

light and broken

I am light, I am broken
I am happy, but I am breaking
Corroding easily
Meekly
I am numb, comfortably
I am dragging myself to a nowhere
I can’t see that there is life everywhere
It fails to show up in front of me
I am in ease
Because the pain in me
Vents by oozing blood when it dissects me
Bit by bit
Unknowingly
It’s given me anesthesia
Before it ate my heart away
And I am numb,
I don’t even realize
I am hallucinated
Hallucination of hope
That will betray me
My heart is raped
But it’s light
Still beating, bleeding
For some reason unknown

nightblindness

I sleep to forget my fears
My fears that keep me awake for nights
I lie to find myself among the dead
I close my eyes to go blind
But then my eyes see the hell unleash itself
I grip my hands to pray
But the prayer corrodes in this air of uncertainty
There is a word stuck in my throat
That fears to come out
What if it came out only to be swallowed?
What if it came out only to find itself alone in the darkness?
The word is ‘help’
That is so helpless
I lie prostrate to dig someone who can give company
I am scared to look at either side
I wrap myself in a blanket
Like a shroud
Yet I am barely protected
I burry myself inside it
Yet I feel so naked
I shut my eyes to go bind
But I can see the grim reaper approaching
I breathe in
But I am scared to breathe out
What if my assassin finds me?
The next day I learnt
I am my own vicarious assassin

sleeping in me

i stood there to say goodbye
not knowing you were going forever
even your smile promised me
that it would see me again
but your shadow told me that you were going away, forever
you asked me to breathe instead
leaving you in me
you chose to leave this world
to find a better place for us to live together
but you didn’t tell me where you were going
i don’t know where you are
neither do i know where i am
all i know of you is the you in me
that is lying asleep
sleep of the night that shall never cease
you were lying blue
i stood there next to you
i tried to breathe
even when i was smothered
hoping to bring you to life
i held your hand
hoping the warmth warms you
but you lied cold there
i thought you were alive
i still could see you
still could feel you
i wept
hoping it moves you
you lied cold and blue
i wish i could join my heart to yours
and pump blood
for you are in me
i lied beside you
and spoke to you
of all those happy days
just to wake you
but you lied motionless, dead
i could hear my echo
saying i love you
it faded away
that’s when i realized
you had died next to me

sometime you feel so low
like never before
as if fallen from zenith
doesn’t take a moment
to lose everything
all that was earned
all that was yours
it breaks, shatters you
burns the 'you' in you
shows you the bitter true picture
brings you to reality
shows the meaning lurking behind the curtains
just to take over the stage and dance
the most cruel feast in front of you
you are the only one in the audience
and your story being enacted
but you are not a part of it
its not in your hands
the play doesn’t end
it won’t show you light
but show nuances, all that was missed
from being caged to crucified
from being loved and hated by the same
from being me to only me
all is dramatized

life is a stage, we are no actors
just mere spectators

falling apart

m falling apart,
my brain being butchered
my heart being stamped,
soul being looked down at
what’s left in me?
sorrows and tears
who wants it anyways
yet people think m rich they come to borrow some
how do i look?

blissful??
m empty
bereaved of my sanity
orphaned at soul
m standing still
cuz i don’t know where to go
i dare not keep a step forward
what lies there, m scared
people crowding around push me
to a somewhere i don’t want to be
even if they are humane,
i don’t believe it
cuz they showed their stone hard heart
a while back
come on!
now u come to condole
for a death u caused

drowning in your lies

m drowning in your sea of lies
that u said was a lake of love
u fed me with the potion of your bitter lies
n i grew listening to your lullaby of lies
that put me to deep sleep
wake i never could
from that sleep until
the lies crushed me
u saw yourself in the mirror - so full of lies
but when the mirror didn’t lie
u said it did
u spoke the lies so truthfully
i didn’t believe in the truth
i thought u were the truth
u coated those lies with syrup of deceptive sweetness
that made me comatose
m drowning i your sea of lies
that u said was the pond of trust
trust i did, but on you
the mirror cracked
ashamed to see you in it
but u said u broke it
for it lied to you
i built my mountain of trust on you
kept you at its tip
i didn’t understand the truth- the lies
couldn’t even ask ' why me??'
but hate myself for being the fooled
i kept you at the mountains tip
but u pushed me down to the sea
m drowning in your sea of lies
and drinking your spirited lies
it nourished my bond with you
but you let me drown in your sea of lies
that does not even have a drop of truth